I'll be perfectly honest, i'm writing this for me. To get my head around everything. To make myself accountable for this next part of my journey. And I don't care if anyone reads it.
After comp I had everything sorted, I was going to finish uni, and have a great building off season and prepare for finding a job and next years season. I practiced what I preached, I reversed diet properly, had maybe 2 binging sessions before I pulled myself up and released what I was doing early on in the reverse diet process. But what I didn't release was that the lack of menstruation (amenorrhea is its scientific name), which I thought was just part of being in a low body fat % or "athletes triad", was actually going to continue long after I had put a healthy amount of fat back on. If you don't menstruate, your hormonal balance isn't optimal, your metabolism doesn't recover from dieting down (not that I dieted hard and that should have been the first indicator) and you can also cause bone density loss. So what happened during my reverse diet was, I kept gaining weight, which stressed me out a lot! And no matter how well I stuck to my macros, or reduced my carbs back down thinking it was my insulin tolerance...I just kept gaining weight. And I wouldn't cycle...what was wrong with me?
When I got to the point where I was anxious about going anywhere that involved me not wearing pajamas...because nothing fit me. I knew something had to change, and I knew that if the problem was caused by "athletes triad" then my amenorrhea would be well and truly resolved.
So I started self diagnosing myself and listening to other people with similar problems and it made it worse. Now I had a hormone condition, or pcos or even cancer...my mind would would believe what ever seemed logical. During this process, my studies suffered greatly, I couldn't concentrate on anything, I felt guilty when I wasn't studying, distracted when I was and hated myself when I was alone, hated myself for wasting so much time, hated that I felt I was failing, hated my body and hated that I had lost control of everything. Making things worse, I place a high amount of expectation on myself, my partner and what others expect of me.
It got to the point to when I was alone in my car, with no distractions I would panic, my mind would be exceptionally cruel to me and I would listen. I ended up having 2 or 3 anxiety attacks on the way to uni. Then I realised I needed help. I booked a councilor and Dr. app and told him everything that was going on. My Dr. put me through 2 lots of blood work and a booked a ultrasound to exempt the possibility of all the problems my mind had convinced me I had, but he already knew they weren't the reason, he did that for me. Once all the results trickled in, it became stupidly obvious...there was nothing wrong with my body. Everything can back perfect. The problem was my mind. He said I have a "over-active" mind, a great sign of intelligence and is important for survival...if I was a cave woman. Modern life no longer calls for a mind like this he explained, so it creates problems when there aren't any. And you all know a healthy mind = a healthy body...well its absolutely fucking true! So to my surprise, both my councilor and doc recommend the same book, its called the "the reality slap" by Dr. Russ Harris which is basically the new cognitive behavioral therapy techniques in a easy to understand format.Essentially, I was well passed the top of the curve of a graph plotted with anxiety and stress against performance.
I probably had passed before I even I started competing. After all these years of studying, doing all the intensives during the breaks I could, avoiding social gatherings for either training or study and feeling guilty when I did either, my sisters wedding and not being able to contribute as much I wished I had, and not fitting my maid of honor dress, planning for the future, job, money, everything... I never really had a single break. I never was kind to myself...I had finally snapped. I was at breakdown point. This had presented itself in many forms, the amenorrhea, weight gain, fatigue, hair loss, loss of apatite and an unhealthy relationship with food and portions...It all made sense really.
So the next step is to find balance. This is where I am now. I am reading the book, I am learning the techniques such as grounding and catching my self when my thoughts take me away, I am learning to be kind to myself and take breaks from studying regularly instead of trying to lump everything into one sitting. Then hating myself when I dont get anything done. I am learning to quiet my mind...ignore those thoughts even though they are still there, and I am learning to be mindful. I really only practice mindfullness when I train, because you have to, when I lift, youre there, youre present. Because you cant be either in the future or past, because that weight would fall on my face. Once I understood that, I released how do not have that same relationship with anything else, not even eating. This is my current challenge, learning to live in the moment more and letting that help my productivity. And its fucking hard. But the fact that I have acknowledged this far, means i'm making the right steps.
The other aspect of my life that suffered greatly was my friendships, I had hardly saw them at all this year, and in hindsight it would have been more beneficial for me then them. Social interaction is powerful therapy. Lucky I have a amazing group of close friends and they all understand completely and support me, and the more I spent time with them, the less guilty I felt and the more productive I was when I applied myself. The wheel above was a diagram my friend showed me on a coffee date, and it explained essentially what I had done.......my wheel is balancing on a point and I had spent too much time in the career, uni, gym sections of mine and it had toppled over because I needed to move back into the fun, and family and friends and acknowledgment of personal success and accomplishments more often to balance my life.
So on top of seeing a Dr and councilor, my Dr. still believes my rapid weight gain is of concern to my body and has referred me to a hormonal specialist to accelerate the process. I am currently waiting on that appointment still, but things have started to change. I'm no longer dieting, or tracking macros, it was another stress-or and in the state I was in, I developed a unhealthy relationship with food. Now that i'm eating a little more intuitively, I no longer crave junk and feel the need to eat all the time.
It also means, that i'm probably not going to finish uni at the end of the year and will have to continue some subjects further into next year to reduce my stress and to give myself time to heal.
But I believe I am taking the right steps towards a happy healthier me...
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